i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
