it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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