woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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