Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
