From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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