so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The uberlube is also flammable
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
