i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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