I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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