just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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