Girls should come with a carfax report
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
