i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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