Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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