You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
