I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
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