No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just pee around me
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize