I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize