everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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