I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
