we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize