he was CRYING into my vagina
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
