i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Someone signed my nipple.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
