I'm so fucking centered right now
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
