too bad you live with your parents still
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
