my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
