I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
