hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He felt like a one man threesome
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
