I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
