Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
