I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize