it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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