I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Randomize
