There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
