she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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