What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
