The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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