Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
two words...techno handjob
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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