So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
