I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
