Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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