I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
