Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
