I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
