I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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