It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
is wine microwaveable?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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