I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
