my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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