I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
