R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
and she was petting her beer can
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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