i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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