You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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