Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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