You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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