broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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