i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
