Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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