He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize