what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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