Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
